Rebel Mom

Perspective

As a young girl, you dream of meeting the man of your dreams. You envision the wedding, pick out baby names, plan on a life with a man you’ve never met.

As you start to date, it’s always there. The thought. Could he be the one?

But the one what?

As you age, things change. Ideals, morals, dreams. What you once that were your goals, your visions, your future simply become memories. 

Often I think: what were you thinking? How could you think that was a good thing? How could you have settled for someone, something, for a life that wasn’t fulfilling.

Now I’m coming to the conclusion that it’s all perspective. At the time, when a young lady meets a man and he says and does all the right things, he is the right person, the right relationship, the right decision. As we mature and grow and learn that’s when the doubt, the change comes.

I suppose at times I was happy and content, it’s just looking back that I realize that it wasn’t what I wanted, or expected, or dreamed of as a young girl.

I had the husband, the kids, the house but it wasn’t that it wasn’t enough it just wasn’t right.I didn’t have the relationship I wanted, I dreamed of, I desired. I can’t blame him entirely. I didn’t voice my opinion. I didn’t try hard enough for him to make time for us. At first I kept asking, but I didn’t want to nag and over time, it was just easier to let it go. To let the relationship go. To let him go. 

Looking back and looking forward I can say with more certainty what I want, what I need, what I desire. I’m looking for a companion, a friend, a partner. Something I never thought of as a young woman. I only looked at having a husband and children. 

Perspective isn’t a bad thing. It is simply a tool, a map to use to see where we’ve been and then make the right choices, decisions to get to where we need to be.

Not Bitter

Today at Mass, a couple renewed their vows. They have been married 50 years. 

The man had even proposed to his wife again that morning….she said yes. They said their own vows. He went first and promised to continue to love her. When her turn came, she said, “what he said.”

It was all very sweet. My daughter turned and told me not to be bitter.

But I’m not. It’s not that I don’t believe in marriage, it just didn’t work for me.

I often say I will never remarry, that it wasn’t for me. And I still believe I will never make that commitment again. But what I am realizing is that I may not have been the terrible wife I thought I was. I am understanding that not all husbands work 24/7, that some men do help around the house. They clean, they cook, they go shopping, they do things with the children, and they take their wives out for dates.

I’m realizing that my marriage was not typical. That maybe, just maybe, I could be in a marriage if my partner was truly a partner. 

I’m not saying I have changed my mind. I’m not saying I expect to remarry. I am saying that marriage isn’t a terrible thing if two people truly enter into it with the right attitude, similar expectations, and the willingness to spend time together. I am saying I’m not bitter.

So Far….

It’s been a month since the divorce was final. 

Some things have changed, but most have not.

We still have a few incidents where he doesn’t think he is responsible for his children, for their care, for their bills. The children still struggle with their relationship with him. He doesn’t call or text usually, they have to get a hold of him. Not much has changed in that respect, except he is not in the home.

And my greatest fear is being overcome. 

The main reason I waited so long to get divorced was a fear of making it financially on my own. He pays child support and is supposed to pay half of the medical bills, but it is a minimal amount and is sometimes a struggle getting it.

Even though we can’t afford some of things we used to, we can’t go out as often as we did, and paying some bills has become a bit of a game, we are surviving.

The world has not ended. We still have a home, a car, food in the house, and the utilities are paid.

Some days we struggle with emotions. There are some tears. There is some adjusting.

But there is also laughter and happiness and most of all no regret.